Today is the 24th February 2012. How time flies, it's eight months since what happened already. Wouldn't say i've adapted well to it, because im still trying to hide the fact. I'm not sure what mom and dad had to say about it but im pretty sure they don't feel happy. Whatever's happened cannot be change, what comes in the future must be dealt with, like it or not.

Days haven't be better since my condition got stable. We've been through a lot of arguements and i am hurt. The hurt i feel everytime you walk out the door after arguements, leaving me behind, makes me wonder time and time again, am i doing this right?

Why is it that everytime when i try harder to be a better wife i felt i sucked at it.

Yes, i still wanna club and drink.
Yes, i still smoke now and then.
Yes, i still can't let go of my old life.

And why??!

Because you haven't prove to me that you're willing to change for me.

I've been thinking should i have let other guys a chance because they are begging for it.

Three years, i wanted you to quit smoking. You almost did it the other time you got suspected for dengue. But what happened? You don't have the slightest determination. I don't think it's ever that hard to quit smoking. YOU ARE JUST WEAK.

Nonetheless, i turned my face away and pretend i'm okay with it. I try to get myself working on the house chores, earning a few more bucks, going to interviews with a heavy heart.

I tried!

What have you done? Are you gonna tell me the same thing about how you're managing our financials? I don't buy your story because you know why? I don't spend money like you. I buy what i really need. Lottery are for people who earns more and have extra cash. Have we got that kind of money? We don't. And look... lottery tickets once in a few weeks, each time spending tens of dollars.

Can't we just lead a humble life? A healthy, happy humble life. That's all i really ask for.

Until then, maybe i'll consider letting you know what's on my mind, all of it. If not, you'll just gonna know me as Chantel... you won't know that girl name Tay Jie Min.